I am occasionally struck by the need to compose a poem as a retort to something I find silly. I'm pretty convinced that all cats are somehow involved in the plot to destroy all humans and I believe that the evidence is clear, though not apparent to those more enamored by the creature's unquestionably refined charm. As one of those not fooled by the facade, I decided to write a response in the comments. I liked what I wrote so much that I decided to use the poem as a tool to exploit the masses into giving me the page-views I need so desperately to feel validated as a human and writer. So here it is.
The Meaning of Cats
By Jeremy Clifton
Sometimes in trees
And sometimes in brush
Sleeping cat's noggins
Just beg to be crushed.
All cats are evil.
There is no debate.
Though often beloved,
They're scheming with hate.
They caused all our problems.
Now, this is a fact:
The "snake" that tricked Eve
Was really a cat.
My car is a stick shift
There's no "drive" to find
And the thought of cats living
Just makes my teeth grind.
Has anyone suffered
Where a cat can't be found?
Are people impoverished
Where cats don't abound?
Surely you think
I am writing in jest.
This poem, my child,
speaks the heart of my quest.
All human suffering
Can be traced to one source:
The root of all evil
Is kitties, of course!
True love conquers evil,
So now I must go
To conquer all cats
And save all from their throws.
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