No Longer "Christian"

A few years back, I had a major falling out with my faith. It was a weird and ironic time in my life, but I'd finally decided that I no longer believed in the god I'd worshiped for so many years. I use a little "g" simply because I realize now that although I'd identified the object of my loyalty as the God of the Jewish and Christian faith, I'd long before assigned a replacement that fit much of the theology I'd been fed growing up. In spite of the fact that I'd grown surrounded by the influence of great Biblical teachers, bad theology found its way in and took root in my life. Maybe it was some camp counselors and student leaders with tainted wisdom, probably some misleading books that I read, and perhaps it was my imagination that twisted what I heard to form an image of God who could be manipulated and bribed.

Somebody told me that it was in my best interests to be sexually pure for my future wife. This not only means abstaining from pre/extra-marital sexual intercourse, but also being free from the vices of pornography, masturbation, and a sexually lustful thought life. In my mind, being pure was my payment in exchange for the girl of my dreams: my soulmate. God had promised me a wife if I'd give up my safe place... at least, that's how I pictured it.

How my idol burned to ashes

Starting my Freshman year of high school, I began the pursuit of sexual purity and awaited eagerly for my soulmate to come knocking at my front door. Ninth grade, tenth grade, eleventh grade, twelfth grade: every year passed and all of my so-called prospects turned out to be terrified of me. I don't think it ever occurred to me how much having an acceptable personality plays a key role in attracting women. Still perched on the mild side of abnormal, I graduated high school and entered the college world.

Immediately after the end of my Junior year, I was rejected by the first prospect I'd ever had that had looked genuinely promising. Combined with a particularly academically frustrating semester, it triggered a deep and dismal period of depression in my life that was characterized primarily by the overpowering feeling that I'd been betrayed by God. As much as I'd prayed and pleaded, God did not arrange for her to love me or to let me down easy. I turned 21 years old that summer and I'd still never been kissed. That was the summer that "God" became worse than dead to me.

Just for those who don't know what it's like to be gripped by mental illness, it's terrifying. For me, it was like trying to drive a bus in which the power steering and power brakes had stopped working. I hated "God" for my failures. I hated "God" for allowing me to become so fragile and imprisoned. And I hated "God" for the stigma and judgement that accompanies the crippling effects of depression and Attention Deficit Disorder. "You LIED to me! You f*****g lied to me!" I could only see myself as a pawn for someone else's twisted amusement.

Re-reborn

I believe today that angels prevented me from taking my own life during that dark period. I thank God for modern medicine that allows me to feel relatively normal and "human" today. If my parents had not recognized that I was facing emotional blockades that needed physical treatment, I am certain that I wouldn't be alive today.

What happened in that process was important. There is a version of God that the majority of modern protestant Christianity tries to sell to the masses. Just in case anyone's wondering, part of the reason so few people know or worship God is because the "God" preached in countless churches throughout the western world really is a lie. Most of the doctrine preached today absolutely defies logic. That's why mainstream Christianity is completely laughable. Nobody in their right mind could truly believe it if they really examined it closely.

The point at which I left the faith is when I realized that reality was not consistent with my system of beliefs. My doctrine had been proven false and my entire motivation for worshiping Jesus disintegrated. And this doctrine I speak of is one in which God is some sort of a magic genie granting wishes to those who demonstrate the proper faith. If your wish was not granted, your faith was clearly still smaller than a mustard seed.

Whatever being a "Christian" used to be, it isn't any longer and I've resolved that I can no longer be today's version of a Christian. Once again, we have ignored the spirit of the scriptures in favor of meaningless tradition and self-glorifying legalism. I'm amazed by the number of non-Christians who reject Christian faith thinking that getting into Heaven is all about being good. And we still have Christians walking around thinking that their acceptance of Jesus Christ makes them better than those who reject Him. Though such a claim would almost universally be vehemently denied by the Christian community, we still try to make it appear true.

Counterproductive "Christianity"

Mainstream Christianity is a performance that focuses on certain passages of scripture while ignoring others. It deems the phrase, "...because it's against my religion," as something acceptable for a Christian to say. It is a church populated by the willfully stupid. When we preach with our hands and feet, it needs to be in a spirit of service, not superiority.

If there is any goodness in me, it would be better that I not draw attention to it because, compared to the goodness of God, my righteousness is like filthy rags. I don't want to point at my life and tell people what God can do for their lives. I'm screwed up and I don't think I'd be a good sale for the end result of Christ's salvation. Besides, we'll never see the end goal in this life anyway. It would be better to point out my faults so I can be a demonstration that for even a sinner like me, Jesus died to rescue his beloved from judgement. I can no longer be a "Christian," but merely a grateful sinner who is pardoned by grace.