May I Forever be Weak

Thus far, my most successful article has been Why I Can't Save My Virginity For Marriage Any Longer.  I'm fairly certain that the avant garde nature of the title drew a lot of curious clicks to the link. It was fun having so many pageviews on one article and I received some really cool feedback from people. There was one comment, in particular, that made an impact on me. At first I didn't think much of it because my first view of the comment did not show all the way to the bottom. Later on, someone explained to me who it was and it lit a fire in me. 

Brother Jeremy,There was a time not that long ago that I thought exactly what you thought. Actually, I hate to say it but my thinking was probably way worse. I had "stinkin' thinkin". For awhile there I thought that I couldn't be loveable; that no woman would ever really love me and want to be my wife and the mother of my children. 

I was a very angry person. Depression is just anger turned inward. I drank a lot, got into a lot of fights, been in jail, and cried a lot. But ultimately God sent me someone. And not just any someone but THE ONE. He sent me my wife. The moment I met her and spent a few minutes with her in that restaurant, I knew we were going to get married. It's a wierd gut-punching feeling that you get but believe me, you'll get it. And we have been married now for 8 years with two beautiful little girls (7 & 4 years old). 

Despite what you may think and what you wrote, I disagree with you. I believe there IS someone out there who is looking for you just as you seek her. I DO believe that you will not only find love but that this love will be fulfilling, enriching and satisfy you in every possible way. And I KNOW that we serve a wonderful, merciful and loving God. Have faith in Him that he will take care of you. 

Brother Jeremy, my wife and I will be in deep prayer for you to find that special someone. My younger brother is also going through what you're going through. He's 41. Imagine how difficult it must be for him! But have faith and know that you are loved. As I said, we will be keeping you in our prayers. Stay strong!

In His Grip,

Pastor *********************, CA

************************ Church 

First of all, being one-upped by a pastor is always a great feeling. While this comment is public, I still feel it would reflect poorly on me to post the name and church of the minister being discussed. This man's response lit a fire under me once I realized that it was a pastor saying this to me. I wanted to make him bleed!

Actually, I have to re-disagree because it's this kind of thinking that got me uptight in the first place. My fears of being forever single aren't fears anymore. If I'm single my entire life, I'll be okay because I know that God's spirit will guide me and hopefully use my loneliness and brokenness to bless others that He loves. 

I've learned and I'm sure you have as well, that living in anguished anticipation is not a healthy way to live. I can't control when I'll meet 'that special someone,' but I can control my attitude about my past, my present, and the many different paths my future could potentially hold - even the less favorable ones. I truly believe that the faith God wants from us is surrender to His plan, not to our idea of what His plan should include.

I'm happier now because I don't hate God anymore. Thank you for your prayer. I still pray that God will bring a wonderful woman into my life to be my partner in marriage. If I'm wrong, I hope that your examination of the scriptures will show me where God promises me marriage, kids, and happiness. Until then, I will continue to make peace with the many possibilities my life could hold and be insistent only that I will go nowhere that God's presence will not accompany me.

Forever weak,

Jeremy Clifton 

I only wish he'd come back with a retort. I really wanted to argue!!! I was certain that I'd schooled him and there was nothing he could say in his defense, but I still wanted him to fight back! Whether he chose not to respond or just never saw my counterstrike, I don't know. 

But the big thing that stuck out to me was about strength. He told me to "stay strong." I have a problem with that because I don't want people to see me as strong. I don't want to be strong, period. We can try to be strong, but it's just not possible. With all the things in life that I can't control, I know that someone who does have control also has my best interests in mind and will ultimately protect me from permanent harm because I've trusted in Him. For me to try and be strong is to attempt to assume command of a vessel I'm not qualified to operate. For the sake of the Gospel and my peace of mind, I pray that I will always be weak and surrendered to the only one who has proven to be 100% faithful. May I forever be weak.