#NewYearNewBeard

#NewYearNewBeard

If given the choice, I doubt any of us would choose for our stories to be beautiful. We might think we want beautiful, but we'd never choose the pain that makes it. The pain I experienced in 2018 is pain I would wish on no one, but I can't say that it all turned out badly.

Beginning the year with a crisis

The year 2018 began with me in financial peril and in the final stages of marital decay. Before the first page of the calendar could be flipped, despite my desperate attempts, my marriage ended and it plunged me into crippling depression, as if the debilitating anxiety I already had wasn't enough. I felt the walls closing in. I'm sure that many of you know that extreme psychological trauma can cause physical sickness, which is what happened to me. I became almost too weak to work and every day was a struggle. I was losing weight, but for the wrong reasons. My symptoms only increased in severity as time passed, so my doctors prescribed a treatment plan that required I take a month off of work. I was reluctant to abandon my post, but I understood the urgency of my situation, so we proceeded with the plan.

New musical ventures

First rehearsal with trombone
in the beginning of June 2018

First performance with trombone

During that time, I set a goal for myself to play trombone in MoBand (a community band that meets and performs for six weeks every summer). I had bought this really nice horn for dirt cheap at a pawn shop and, at the time, only had the basic skills on it needed to teach my beginning band students. I practiced every day for the month leading up to the first MoBand rehearsal. What started out as a goal that was to be complete halfway through July turned into an obsession that is eight months old, as of today. The way I see it, if you're going to run away from your feelings, at least do it in such a way that you have something to show for it when all is said and done. 

First performance with clarinet with
Oakdale Community Band

My most recent trombone gig
just a few days before Christmas 2018

Unexpectedly, my continued participation in community bands playing trombone and clarinet filled two emotional voids I had struggled with since I left the church: my needs for community and for regular musical involvement. I cannot overstate the tremendous impact the connections I've made by joining my local band geek community has had on my morale. I can't imagine my life right now without the friendships that have formed over the past few months. Connected with so many past and present music educators as well as many non-teaching musicians, the last time I've ever felt so un-out-of-place was when I was a music major in college.

My first mobile day at my new job

New Job

Ready for the last school Christmas concert

In August, I started the school year at a different school district, continuing my work as an elementary music teacher. While the change of scenery had not been part of my initial plans, I'm so happy it worked out this way. I miss the perks of working for a larger district, but the program at my new placement is a better fit for my style/philosophy and I love it.

In hindsight, I see the wisdom of the new school district in a light I hadn't recognized before. Bringing with me everything I learned from my two incredible years at my last district while leaving behind all of my rookie blunders is rewarding and comforting. Besides the benefits of starting with a fresh slate, I am sufficiently distant from all of the little things that would have triggered flashbacks to my memories as a newlywed full of hope and as a freshly dumped newlywed, searching for a reason not to give up on everything.

Finding New Meaning

Veteran's day - first time playing 1st chair

The whole reason I set my initial goal with the trombone was so I could be a better band teacher. The reason I continued past my intended destination is because I didn't want to stop. It provided a diversion from my self-destructive thoughts while equipping me with skills that are both crucial to my professional development and which are enjoyable and useful for a wide variety of other reasons and purposes. 

Tuba Christmas - second gig playing baritone

But it helped me realize something about my role as a music teacher. The world is a harsh place, even when blessed with the privilege into which I was born. My students undoubtedly have hardships ahead of them that will stretch them to their absolute limit. By teaching them music, I am not only teaching them how to do something that will hopefully be fun for them; I am equipping them with tools that can help them keep their boat afloat when the waves crash over them. Perhaps, instead of addressing life's struggles using drugs, alcohol, violence, or some other self-destructive behavior, they'll choose a more constructive coping mechanism such as music. It could mean the difference between prosperity and ruin or even life and death. It can turn tragedy into beauty.

Now, I don't think music is the only possible saving grace, but it's a big one for a lot of people. For others, it might be drawing, painting, sculpture, writing, dance, acting, animation, graphic design, photography, videography, science, mathematics, engineering, cooking, etc... the list could go on for pages and pages. But music is my specialty, it has saved my life numerous times, and I sure love to teach it.

Things I'm Proud Of

Taking a Sousaphone (tuba) for a spin at the High School

I dealt with some serious shit. I'm amazed that I've handled the setbacks I've been facing so well. I'm really proud of the improvements I've made as a musician, especially with the trombone. I'm proud of myself for connecting with people and making new friends. I'm pleased that I have become less fearful about exposing my religious beliefs. I'm glad to have discovered such a gifting at the save-hunt-pounce technique of bargain shopping for instruments. I'm so very happy that this school year has been going so well at my new district. I'm glad to be discovering my true self outside of religion and romance.

2019 Goals

I really want to continue on the journey I've been on for the past few months. I want to keep playing in bands and getting better at playing wind instruments. I want to expand my network of musicians and make more friends. I want to be a great music teacher and inspire my students to succeed. I want to read more books and acquire some more instruments (french horn and tuba are my primary goals at the moment, but let me know what you've got for sale  ). I'd like to get more comfortable speaking Spanish and to learn a bit of Mandarin Chinese as well. Really, I just want to keep doing things that make me proud to be me. Maybe I'll stumble upon some other pleasant surprises this year! My commitment for 2019 is total badassery and I'll settle for nothing less.