If you've read a lot of my writing, you've probably noticed that I often reference my struggles with my love life. (Different, Overcoming Hurdles or Just a Loser?, My World of Wasted Worship, No Longer "Christian", and Why I Can't Save My Virginity For Marriage Any Longer) I'm told that I'm brave for being so transparent, but I don't see it that way. I mean, maybe I am brave because I'm tired of being scared, but I don't see it as bravery. I have nothing to lose and nobody to impress. I'm just setting myself free from shame. When I think of Christ's exhortation to love your neighbor as yourself, I've wondered if I've limited my ability to love my neighbor by not loving myself well enough. In other words, maybe my neighbor deserves better love than the kind I've always given myself. And what great disservice I've done toward myself for hiding pieces of me from the public as if they were qualities that lowered my basic value!
Someone recently told me, "You can't please everyone, but you've got to please some people." It was in reference to a church position I had applied for and it had to do with my hairstyle. My interest in the position disappeared so quickly, I'm sure you could audibly hear the brakes in my brain bringing my pursuit of this job to a screeching halt. I'd seen enough. The services, the sermon, the singing, and the structure were all too familiar. There's no easy way to tell someone, "Your church is dead. Please stop dragging it around and infecting people with it. Bury it and move on." Who would listen to that anyway?
I had my hair short a year ago because I wanted a job and I wanted a girlfriend. Businesses won't hire a person: they want a "fit." Girls are just... confusing. Praise God, I got a job at one of the few places where you can pretty much look as weird as you want as long as you wear a black collared shirt and long pants. I took a break from trying to impress churches and girls and I let my hair and beard grow out. I rationalize it as a sales strategy, but why do I even need to say that? I'm growing my hair out because I LOVE HAVING LONG HAIR! I enjoy my hairstyle, not as an accessory, but as an expression of my identity; not because I need it, but because it makes me happy.
If the Church wants to reach the lost, it's important that we show them that salvation, and really the heart of true Christianity, is not brought by conformity. Any fixing that's needed in our lives can only be done by God's power and grace. Altering ourselves before we approach the altar is essentially robbing God of the unique and beautiful individuals he created and desires. If we don't love ourselves the way God made us, how in the world can we love others the way God created them?
I want a church filled with sinners. I want drunks, smokers, druggies, gamblers, and cussers. I want people in my church who are far too imperfect to ever think that they've done anything to earn their salvation. That way, no other explanation can be given for the hope we have except Christ. I dream of a church where people aren't uptight about sin because they're too excited about the love of God. I don't mind if we never get the little things right, as long as we're overwhelming our world with a staggering amount of love and making the miracle of the cross famous.
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