Love and Music

Musical talent is sexy. It is oh-so very sexy. I like that! I'm a fairly competent musician myself and I appreciate that I have such a good thing going for me. Good musicianship can be a huge contributor to creating what psychologists know as the "halo effect." I've seen it happen a LOT. It is that effect causes one person to ignore the faults in another person so that they can view them as a perfect "angel." When I am able to create this for myself, I love it and then I hate it. Different people do it in different ways. I don't have a chiseled physique with a perfect tan, I don't have a lot of money or nice stuff, I'm not famous, I don't drive a nice car or own a nice house, I'm not good at sports nor do I even look that great while playing them. In many ways, I'm just average. But my musical abilities can push a girl (if she likes musicians) from "eh... he's okay looking and tolerable to be around" to "EVERY INCH OF ME ACHES FOR HIM!!!" This is not me downplaying myself or my physical attractiveness. It's all a matter of taste. The same features that would be an instant turn off for one woman could be exactly what another is looking for and needs.

Because of my music, I do not believe I am judged fairly.

In my 25-year-long life, I have had two girlfriends. Both of those started and ended within these last 12 months and both of them have confessed to me that they were extremely turned on by my musical talent. Why, I wouldn't have met the first one if I hadn't been the member of that band and the other one wouldn't have responded to my message on the dating website were it not for my musical screen name. Both of them are singers, but even a chick without a single musical bone in her body would cover a handsome man with her kisses if he can sing to her from the guitar.

Being that both of those relationships have ended, we obviously didn't work. I had traits that did not contribute positively to the health of those relationships. It wasn't that I was a bad person, just not the right match. Both of those women ignored traits I possessed that would have and should have been deal-breakers for them because they were enamored by my piano chops. And as soon as they hear the song I wrote, "While We're Waiting," it's over: They feel like it was written just for them and they become like putty in my hands.

If the halo effect lasted forever, I'd be okay with all of this. But truthfully, it won't take long before, in order to maintain the flame, I must conform to other expectations that they have for me and our relationship. I'm always striving to be the best version of myself that I can be, but there are some changes that I refuse to make because I like those things about me. They make me who I am and I would be empty without them. So the relationship goes downhill...

Is dating better treated as a masquerade?

The last thing I want is for a girl to fall in love with my musical talent and not with me. Holy heck! I want to be loved!!! My girlfriend should not be dating a "singer/songwriter": She should be dating Jeremy Clifton. I doubt that anyone doesn't want to be loved for who they are. It's liberating when you can be completely you with someone and know that they completely adore and accept every facet of your being. But I don't want the "love of my life" dating me just because I am wearing a suit made out of $100 bills. I have very little problem being myself. Actually, the problem is probably more that I'm myself too much. But to my misfortune, most people are not that way. Many of us create versions of ourselves that we believe will get us what we think we want. But the only version I want of anybody is the real version.

Sadly, I believe I have been sold fake Rolexes twice. I'm not saying that my exes are not quality women. They are. But the versions of themselves that they initially presented to me were not genuine. Why? I tell myself that it's because "I'm awesome at music." So I wrestled with the idea that the best strategy I could take to find that one relationship that isn't completely dysfunctional would be to don a mask to hide the advertisement that says, "You could date a brilliant musician!" Maybe then, I'd get the real deal. I can stop poking and prodding until she relents and shows me her true colors.

It's not the whole picture.

If I present "Jeremy Clifton" but censor the whole musical part, I'm doing the same thing I'm trying to avoid: setting the bait with an altered likeness of myself rather than with the real me. If they bite expecting a live night crawler but find that it's just rubber; unlike fish, they can jump back into the water any time they want. You simply will not understand me if you do not understand my relationship with music. The connection will be even more superficial than it might have been before because I have hidden my greatest passion!

So I'm caught in a crossroads: how do I reconcile my desire to be loved for "me" and my desire that my talent not interfere with her sound assessment of a proper fit? If I hide my music, the love of my life may never find/notice me because she's got to want a musician. She has to be willing to accept the hardships that come with such a career choice. If she doesn't know I'm a musician, I'll probably be "just another guy."

Until you meet the right one, failed expectations are a part of relationships. 

I can be identified by a lot of labels. But no single label can fully summarize my essence. When you're sifting through waves of people, looking for love; there are labels you seek and labels you avoid. Part of dating is finding someone who has some of the qualities you're looking for and then finding out if the rest of them line up with what you need. It's a process and being a musician makes you no more or less prone to relationship troubles. Until you meet the right one, failed expectations are a part of relationships. Dating isn't simple. It can get messy and no matter how hard you try, it can get ugly. But when I find the right person, she won't need to fixate on one or two or five aspects to fall for me; like my music, humor, Christianity, work ethic, and tallness: every new thing she learns about me will uncover one more reason to fall in love all over again and the list will be insurmountable. This doesn't mean that the relationship will be devoid of hardship, but it does mean life will be better with that person than without. That's what I look forward to!