But it's back. My stomach burns for relief like my heart burns for love. I'm 26 now. Long before, I imagined that this would be the age at which I'd have a wife and at least one kid with another one on its way. But I'm still a virgin today and most high school students have more relationship miles on their odometers than I have as an adult in his mid 20s. The topic was even brought up last weekend and a couple of women at church assured me that the "right" girl is out there and that I'll meet her someday. The words are so kind and they used to be comforting, but there's a grassy field in my mind with a tombstone that reads: "RIP: Family Plans." I don't say, "When I get married," anymore. I say, "If I get married." No longer, "When I have kids," but "If I have kids." Most people hear my words and conclude that I've lost my faith in love.
Can we stop lying to each other???
Why do so many people find it necessary to assure their single friends that "true love" will come? They're well-meaning words and I know that they're aimed to comfort the downtrodden, but they're not necessarily true. While I realize that this happens quite often outside of Christian circles, it still troubles me that supposedly Bible-believing Christians perpetuate this idea that love will come when you least expect it. There's this widely-circulated philosophy that, "You need to stop trying to find the perfect special someone and focus on being that special someone." To me, it paints this picture of a guy and girl who are made for each other, placed in separate rooms, and preparing for their blind date with each other.
The reason I detest this is because it places this idea in our heads that we were made for some other special person: that missing puzzle piece. It's as if our entire existence and purpose is for that special someone that we'll someday meet down the road. Understand that as I write this, I believe in this kind of love less now than I ever have before. I, who used to imagine being married with kids and happy, now just try to imagine being happy. There are just no guarantees in life and I can rest on nothing more than my salvation through Christ. But God never promised me a wife or kids.
I'm told often, "Don't worry. The right one will come around." The problem is that nobody can know that for sure and the people who say that could be wrong. The odds are good that if I keep wanting love, I'll find it. But unlike before, I now know how fragile my heart is and I probably guard myself more than I should because I want love but I don't want any more hurt, so I avoid it. It may be that my heart is as well-equipped for romance as my skin is for sunlight. Sometimes it works out that love will find a person once they stop looking for it, but life doesn't work out that way for everyone and people need to be sensitive to that before they start claiming that they know the formula to finding one's soulmate. I've stopped looking for or wanting love for long enough now that I should have found at least five or six soulmates in close proximity to choose from.
I don't believe that love will find me
Love might find me. I welcome the possibility! But I'm not sure of it like I used to be. I've been through the five stages of loss and grief over this issue. I've denied it, I've been angry about it, I've bargained with God about it, and I've borne an overwhelming amount of depression because of it. But not until sometime during the last year have I really come to a place of peace and acceptance of it.
There's a strong chance that I'll never fall in love and get married. If I do, I could lose her and never love again. We may never be able to conceive children of our own. If we do, we may outlive some of them. If we can't have kids, we may try to adopt and be unable to for some reason. It may be part of God's plan for me that the deep desires of my heart to be a husband and a daddy, a lover and provider, may never be fulfilled. I would love for my dreams to come true, but I know now that these are unrealistic expectations.
I'm no longer saving my virginity for marriage
Now before you think I'm throwing a pity party and trying to get attention, though I'm sure you're already thinking that, I need you to know that the reason I say all of this is because this process has brought me to a place of deeper faith than I've ever had in my entire life. I used to lay awake at night, haunted by these fears that the things that I wish for may never come true. These aren't fears anymore. It's not that I don't believe they could come true - they just might. But I know that I'll be alright, even if my life never meets those hopes and expectations I've had for it since I was very young.
I wasted too much of my time trying to become the most perfect 'future husband' possible in preparation for the woman God 'has chosen for me' when I could have been a lot happier just trying to be as unabashedly awesome as possible. During this time of reconciliation with reality, I've met a place where I'm no longer remaining sexually abstinent for my future wife and her happiness. Instead, I'm abstaining for me. Because I can't see how being sexually active outside of marriage can be constructive toward achieving my goals in career and ministry, I choose to keep it out of my life. Most days, I don't even believe such a woman exists who could love me and make me happy; but I see my face in the mirror every day and I know that this is a person who will need my love and consideration every day of my life.
A better faith
It's been a long road that has brought me to where I stand today. But I now have a better idea of what authentic faith needs to mean for me and for other people who are seeking to know God. My faith can no longer be a belief that things will happen or work out a certain way: it needs to be that no matter how life works out, I know that God will never cease to be sovereign, perfect, all-powerful, and loving. Pleasant circumstances are not the evidence of God's love: His love is present even in our aches and pains. Though our situations change, God's love never changes.
I experience physical pain today for the blessings I wish I had. I fantasize that a beautiful woman will suddenly grab me by the collar and start making out with me. I'd give up a week of food if I could spend just a couple hours under the stars with a pretty girl in my arms; strands of her hair between my fingers and foreheads pressed together between kisses. But in life, there will be pain and sadness. I'll cry today, but I'll also make a difference in someone's life today. If I die at age 90 and my last kiss a year ago now is the last kiss I've ever had, God never stopped being God. I pray that even through my brokenness, people will be caught up in God's love as a result of the life I lived.
